I am watching my first-ever E3 keynotes for AYB this year. So far in my life, I’ve managed to avoid direct exposure to almost anything resembling hype. I hope you guys understand and appreciate the sacrifice I’m making for you—the audience we’re all here for.
Hazmat suit sealed. Set skepticism to stun. You. Me. Yoobisoft. Let’s go.
SOUTH PARK: THE FRACTURED BUT WHOLE ANNOUNCED
Not quite a true sequel to 2014’s The Stick of Truth, the fourth-wall-breaking trailer features Cartman and crew donning superhero costumes to help the New Kid with… something. Behold:
On stage with Aisha Tyler, South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker explained, “We’re kinda whiny babies, and right at the end of Stick of Truth, we learned how to make video games. And we thought, ‘Fuck!'” So, despite promising they’d never do it again… they’re doing it again.
This one’s coming out of Ubisoft San Francisco, and I can’t finish discussing this game without leaving you this final bon mot from Stone and Parker:
“We’re going to go into why your butthole is so amazing. Just, deeper into that story.”
“Deeper into your butthole.”
NEW I.P.: FOR HONOR
Quoth Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot: “This one couldn’t wait to the end of the show.” Trailer:
Creative Director Jason Vandenburg, a.k.a. The Living, Walking Reason Why I Think A Cane Is Cool, came on to talk about his baby. Vandenburg explains that For Honor features an all-new gameplay system called “The Art of Battle”, and it’s designed to make you feel the fight. From his description and the footage shown, it looks like the attacks won’t simply no-clip through enemy models — instead, they will block and crunch and deflect off of armour, weapons, and bone like real, physical objects.
And it looked satisfying.
This part of the keynote wrapped up with two teams of four in what purported to be a live-on-console demonstration of the Dynasty-Warriors-meets-Gears-of-War gameplay in For Honor. :
The game will be playable at noon tomorrow at the Ubisoft booth.
THE CREW AND TRIALS FUSION GET EXPANSION PACKS
Racing title The Crew gets an expansion pack called “Wild Run”. Featuring dozens of new cars, new tracks, and a complete graphic overhaul, it looks like this:
Fan favourite Trials Fusion also gets new content in the Awesome Level MAX expansion. Behold:
Yes, I’m leaving you with that single, glorious image. I’m pretty sure you’re going to get to ride a goddamn fire-breathing unicorn in Trials Fusion. That’s everything you need to know.
TOM CLANCY’S THE DIVISION GETS A MULTIPLAYER TRAILER
And because I love you more than your mommy does, here it is:
In the trailer, a team of two players enters “The Dark Zone”, a contaminated zone in New York City (and totally not the best laser tag place Winnipeg has ever seen). They come across some “Rikers”, who are selfie-ing:
… and a team of three other players. They hang back, waiting to see what the other players do, before seeing the other players take on the Rikers and join in.
The trailer ends with the team of three betraying the team of two… and one player on the team of three betraying his own teammates for loot. MORAL GREY AREA. (If anyone needs any advice handling these types of situations, I’ve been playing Dungeons & Dragons for twenty years and have dealt with many a light-fingered thief in the party…)
Tom Clancy’s The Division will release March 8th, 2016. The game will be playable at Ubisoft’s booth tomorrow, and betas will happen early next year.
ANNO 2205 ANNOUNCED
You will go to the moon. Allons-y:
Looks devastatingly sexy. You’ll start on the planet as normal and will have to build your own ways to get to the moon before you can colonize there. (Try not to KSP it?)
The game is set to launch five months from now, on November 3rd, 2015.
SOMEBODY’S COSPLAYING AS AN ASSASSIN’S CREED CHARACTER AND AISHA TYLER THINKS GUYS WITH RICKETS ARE SUPER-HOT
You had to be there, I guess.
JUST DANCE 2016 DITCHES CAMERAS, LETS YOU PLAY WITH YOUR SMARTPHONE
No, I mean, like, instead of the camera. You don’t need a camera attached to the console to play the game. You just need your smartphone. You don’t literally play the game on your smartphone (I think), it is an adjunct device that enables gameplay. Don’t, like, try to Facebook and Just Dance at the same time, you might hurt yourself. Just… just do the thing.
Popular pop superstar Jason Derulo came out and did the thing:
He then stuck around to chat about how much his daughter loves the Just Dance series.
Ubisoft also announced Just Dance Unlimited, a new streaming service that’ll send new songs and classic hits to your console for you to play instantly, all year long.
RAINBOW SIX: SIEGE BRINGS BACK TERROHUNT MODE
Behold what we’re told is a live gameplay demo, via Gamespot.
(Of note: following the demo, Aisha Tyler remarks that the team had lost on that same mission while they were rehearsing the keynote speech previously. I normally take all my “live demos” with a big grain of salt, but I figure that this much was worth noting.)
I don’t know much about the Rainbow Six series, so I’ll leave this one for the experts to dissect. The one thing I’ll comment on is that with legendary actress Angela Bassett coming on to talk to Aisha Tyler about her role as “Six” in the game, this keynote passes the Bechdel Test:
The beta will open up September 24th of this year. PvP and at least one of the four Terrohunt modes will be available, on all platforms.
FINALLY, CONSOLE PLAYERS WILL EXPERIENCE THE PAIN AND THE GLORY THAT IS TRACKMANIA WITH TRACKMANIA TURBO
They don’t know what they are in for. It is perfect. It is beautiful. It is hell. It is victory. Forthwith:
The graphics look like they’ve been updated from Trackmania 2: Stadium. Also demonstrated is a procedurally-generated track (seriously, it was procedurally generated live, on stage, we were told), which the demonstrator nails on his second try.
We’re told that over 200 new tracks will be available with Trackmania Turbo, and that there will be a VR (!) demo available at the show.
ASSASSIN’S CREED: SYNDICATE IS A THING
Taking place in the middle of the Industrial Revolution in London circa 1868, this happens:
(Courtesy of IGN.)
Twins Jacob and Evie Frye will both be playable. The demo will be playable at the Ubisoft booth starting tomorrow, and — notably — at Uplay lounges in Los Angeles, Europe, and Australia, for which signups open tomorrow.
Also, notably, no gameplay footage was shown. Hmm…
TOM CLANCY’S GHOST RECON: THE WILDLANDS ANNOUNCED
Team tactics with multiple methods of pure justice-based takedown, in the finest of Tom Clancy traditions. The twist here: it’s open-world.
We’re shown pre-alpha gameplay, but it definitely looks good. No release date yet. As with the other Tom Clancy title, I will leave this one to the experts.
* * * * *
Solid, solid keynote by Ubisoft. Lots of good titles, no real gaffes, and new South Park. What’s not to like?
We’ve got Sony tonight, Nintendo and Square Enix tomorrow, and the first-ever PC keynote later this week! Stay tuned!
Jesse Mackenzie is the Managing Editor for aybonline.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and his opinions are his own.