Miss me? 😀
So! After writing columns for the first year of our news operation, I took a chunk of 2016 off so I could
master the Eye of Agamotto in an ancient Tibetan monastery / take my own ghatdamn pictures of that Spider-Man character / work on some behind-the-scenes stuff here at AYB Headquarters. Now that that’s complete, I’m back, with 3,200% more snark, sass, and general irascibility!
From here on out, I’m going with a hot-takes format. Every week, you’ll see
three to five 5/7 opinions you never asked for on a variety of subjects from around gaming, nerd culture, and whatever has ground my gears. If something’s important, or if it’s just that infuriating (cf. anything of mine called “A Primer”), I may devote a whole column to it, but most of the time, it’s just going to be hot takes, baby~
Let’s get to it!
Hideo Kojima Declares Shrine To Self Incomplete, Makes Action Figures For… His Studio
Look, dude, I love you, but like, damn. You just escaped from the Crematoria of video gaming. You’ve got all of one trailer under your belt post-Konami. (Admittedly, it is perhaps the sweetest trailer, but still.) Isn’t this putting the precision-milled 1:16-scale polymer resin cart before the horse?
Here’s the short version, per Polygon: Kojima Productions is working with 1000 Toys and Good Smile Company to release action figures of Ludens, the character depicted in its drool-worthy logo. 1000 Toys will be releasing an expected-to-be-expensive 1:6-scale version of Ludens, with light-up LEDs and tons of detail. Good Smile Company, meanwhile, will be releasing a much smaller and cuter version of Ludens as part of its Nendoroid line of adorable hey-we’re-not-Funko-Pop-please-like-us figures.
(Seriously. I am not a Funko Pop person. Why do these things exist? They have practically become wallpaper for any nerdy store. They add nothing to our lives. They have consumed my local HMV. We have created tiny monsters, and soon, they will come for us.)
Anyway. In truth, I’m not quite ready to castigate Kojima for action-figure-related self-regard just yet — he’s earned the right, I think — but what I will say is this: you’ve got Death Stranding coming out, man! How could you possibly pass up the opportunity to make an action figure of naked Norman Reedus? How?! Do you know how many people would be into that?
All of them. The answer is all of them.
No Man’s Sky Will Not Require PlayStation Plus To Work Properly
Investors Too Busy Playing Pokémon GO To Read Intro Screens On Pokémon GO
This one’s courtesy of your friend and mine, Jon F. eSports, Esquire.
According to The Verge, shares in Nintendo dropped 17% or so on Monday, following Nintendo’s gentle reminder Friday that, uh, hey guys. We’re not The Pokémon Company. We only own part of them. And we’re definitely not Niantic. Guys? … Guys? Where’s everyone going?
That’s $6.4 billion in valuation that vanished because investors just now realized the three companies aren’t one and the same. Just now.
“Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn! … Wait, why are all y’all lookin’ down at your demon screens like that? … Pokeymans, you say? … They’re making how much a day?” (door slams, phone rings) “JOHNSON! BUY THIS NINTENDO THING! BUY BUY BUY! SELL THE BRITISH PETROLEUM STOCK, THEY’RE DEAD IN THE WATER ANYWAY” — Investors, probably.
And pulling money out of Nintendo right now is doubly questionable, because — as Jonny has pointed out — Pokémon GO is a wonderful advertising campaign for Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon, the next titles in the main series of Pokémon games.
Gamespot quotes a report that suggests over 25 million people have downloaded Pokémon GO. If the game includes even a single ad or a small banner — to say nothing of actual in-game items — plugging Pokémon Sun and Moon, that’s 25 million impressions Nintendo doesn’t have to pay for, in one of the hardest demographics to reach in the world.
Pulling money out of Nintendo now because you thought they were The Pokémon Company is like watching somebody buy a Lexus and refusing to get a ride to work with them because you thought it was an Acura. Like… why?
Star Trek: Beyond Is Glorious And All Of You Should Go Watch It*
And if you don’t, you’re not allowed to read next week’s column. Can you afford to take that risk?
Jesse Mackenzie is the Managing Editor of AYBOnline.com and a name you haven’t heard in a loooooong time. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and his opinions are his own.
*Editor’s Note: it’s really an incredible film and I wholey agree that you should go see it.